


It's Raining Space Whales

by Qzil



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Space, Animal Death, Multi, Space Whales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 15:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6430624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qzil/pseuds/Qzil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meg Masters is the secretary to Kevin Tran, the first Asian-American ghost president of Mars. Unfortunately for her, election day is at hand, and she'll have to find a way to keep the prospective presidential candidates from forcibly removing his spirit from the mortal realm. Meanwhile, Dean's clone and Cain hunt a space whale, determined to bring the creature down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Raining Space Whales

**Author's Note:**

> Huge special thanks to my artist, peantbutterthenjelly, whose art I'll pop in here later tonight after she posts it. And shoutout to the mods of the Supernatural Originality Big Bang for organizing this wonderful event.

The sun was just rising over the Martian landscape when Kevin Tran decided enough was enough. He knew, logically, that not everyone who worked for him was a ghost, and thus they needed food and sleep. However, it also meant that the times his staff was gone was damn inconvenient for him, since, being a ghost and all, he couldn’t actually do much himself.

Luckily, his secretary Meg Masters walked into the room just as he was getting ready to go and find her. The days started early on Mars, something Meg was clearly not a fan of, and he knew he’d find her napping at her desk before long. But despite her various failings at being a secretary, he couldn’t fire her. Meg was the only person on the whole damned planet who hadn’t quit after only a week of working with him. That and she’d been with him for over six years, so training a new secretary would be inconvenient.

“Please tell me you have some good news,” he said.

Meg shook her head, causing her dark hair to fall out of its messy bun. She grumbled and began to put it back up again.

“The cows got out again last night,” she said.

Kevin groaned. “How bad?”

“Two deaths, six injuries,” Meg reported, squinting down at her clipboard. “The injured are being treated in the hospital for burns or poisoning.”

“And, ah, the dead?” he asked cautiously.

“What’s left of them has been returned to the families,” Meg said. “The cows ate quite a bit, though.”

“Remind me why I convinced Dean to let me buy those things again?” Kevin requested.

Meg shrugged, and then yawned loudly. “The milk is good. Not that you’d know that, though.”

Kevin sighed. His presidency on Mars had involved one disaster after another. Martian cows were terrible animals that spit fire and had a poisonous bite, and were known to eat absolutely anything. But, supposedly, their milk was delicious, and sold well. Being a ghost, he wouldn’t know. But both Deans had ensured him that the venture would be profitable. It had been, mostly. Save for the workman’s comp and insurance payouts every time the damn things burnt a fence down or bit a farmhand.

“Anything else?” he asked.

“Two space whales were spotted yesterday,” Meg said cheerfully. “Sam saw ‘em when he was out with Cain.”

“Were they actually working?”

“Mostly,” Meg said dryly. Cain and Sam were responsible for monitoring the redjacket hive and growing the eco-corn, respectively. More often than not, that meant they wound up fooling around in the eco-corn field. Meg had caught them, once, after she’d accidentally disturbed the redjacket hive and had run into the eco-cornfield for cover. Unfortunately, her surprise at seeing Sam and Cain together had stopped her in her tracks, and she’d been stung by an angry hive of redjackets. Kevin didn’t have the heart to tell her that now, even after being fully recovered for two years, she still made buzzing noises sometimes. Cain had told him it was a side effect of so many redjacket stings. That and an abnormal craving for honey and almost obsessive love of Mars lilies.

“Dean One and Dean Two back yet?” Kevin asked instead.

“Dean One’s here. Dean Two went out to hunt the space whale. Good meat, good oil. Keep us powered for the next year or so, at least during the election,” Meg said cautiously. While the president of Mars was _supposed_ to be decided via democratic vote, more often than not, the election wound up becoming a violent bloodbath. Since the losing candidates were ceremoniously beheaded, along with their staff, he knew that _his_ staff was particularly antsy.

“Anything else?” he asked. Meg actually fidgeted, which he knew was _not_ good. Meg was never nervous. Well, almost never. She clamped her teeth together, made a buzzing noise that sounded suspiciously like a Mars redjacket, and shook her shoulders, almost like she was trying to shake wings that weren’t there. When she was through, she sighed.

“My daddy’s here and Dean’s not happy,” she said.

“Why?”

“Because my daddy happens to be his new stepdaddy, and Dean doesn’t like that one bit,” Meg said miserably. “Why they would pick _today_ of all days to visit, I’ve no idea. But they did.”

“What’s today?” Kevin asked. Meg rolled her eyes and gave up trying to control her hair. She grimaced.

“The Choosing.”

Kevin groaned. His term as president of Mars was up in just one year, which meant that it was time to choose who was going to run to replace him. The Choosing was a long, bloody battle traditionally held in the courtyard of the presidential house. Of course, it always spilled into the mansion itself, seeing as it offered better cover. The last four people alive would be the ones running for the position of President of Mars.

Of course, when Kevin had run, they had tried to disqualify him on grounds of being dead already. But that hadn’t worked, and he’d wound up becoming a candidate, anyway, and eventually winning the presidency.

“Well, I suppose this means that we need to get ready to for--”

“It starts in thirty minutes,” Meg interrupted, checking her watch. “Which is the only reason I’m not napping at my desk right now.”

Sure enough, the speakers blared with the sound of traditional battle horns. By now, the potential candidates would be gathering in the courtyard and polishing their weapons, along with their PR teams and any staff they decided would make a good meatshield. Kevin shuddered.

“Anyway,” Meg continued. “Daddy’s just down the hall with Sam and Dean One. So, I suggest we take the traditional precautions. You can’t die if someone stabs you, but we can. And we really don’t wanna.”

Kevin nodded. “Let’s get to it.”

.

Dean Winchester the second was _not_ having a good day. First, he and his husband, Dean Winchester the first, had freaked out because his mother had gotten remarried without so much as even a phone call or telegram. He supposed that Mary Winchester was technically his mother, too, but he didn’t feel that way about her. He was a clone of Dean, and technically had no mother, except maybe the scientist who had grown him in the lab.

Next, his brother-in-law (and technical brother), Sam, had announced that there were two space whales sighted just outside of the atmosphere. And Sam’s boyfriend, Cain, had announced that he was going hunting, and dragged Dean Winchester the second along for the ride. Not that he really minded hunting space whales, but he needed to be there for Dean the first.

“Come on, boy!” Cain called. The silver-haired man was already suited up, except for his helmet, which was clutched in his hands. His harpoon was tucked under his arm, the point glistening. “We’re gonna eat good tonight!”

Dean the second groaned. “How long is this going to take?”

“As long as it takes,” Cain says. “We might have to follow the whale for a while. The last one I hunted got nearly as far as Jupiter before we got it. Dodging through the asteroid field was the most fun I’ve had in ages.”

Dean the second sighed and donned his own suit. It was gonna be a hell of a day.

.

Dean Winchester the first was not having a good day. First, his mother had called and announced that she was going to be visiting with her new husband, and that Meg was now his sister, which was just wrong on so many levels. Next, his husband and clone had been conscripted by his little brother’s boyfriend to go and hunt a fucking space whale, of all things, on the same day as the Choosing. The day they were supposed to be protecting the president, just in case someone got it into their heads to assassinate the current president in order to get into the seat earlier.

Well, Kevin couldn’t be killed, so that wasn’t really a problem. However, sometimes random people got caught up in the battle royale that made up the Choosing, so he knew he’d have to protect his mother, anyone else he happened across, and even Meg. He didn’t care that she was technically now his sister, or that her elder brother, Tom, who worked wrangling the cows, was now his brother. He knew that Kevin needed to keep Meg alive and well, because she was the only person willing to be Kevin’s secretary. She handled escaped animals, mopped up the ectoplasm that dripped off of him, and kept watch that held his spirit in the mortal realm protected on a chain around her neck. If Meg died, Kevin could be lost forever.

Angry at his personal circumstances or not, it was still his job to keep their team protected, and he would do it.

He met his brother, Sam, in the hallway, where he was clearly pouting over the loss of his boyfriend.

“Can you believe mom got remarried?” Dean asked. Sam shrugged.

“I can’t believe Meg is technically now our sister,” Sam said. “And Tom’s our brother.”

Sam shuddered at that, and Dean knew it was because Tom and Sam had been involved for several years, before Cain had come to Mars. Tom was still a touch heartbroken over losing Sam, and had comforted himself with several other farmhands. Now, it would be a touch awkward to see the farmer.

“I just can’t believe they picked today of all days to visit,” Sam continued. “Don’t they know the Choosing is today?”

“I don’t think they do,” Dean said. “Mom told me that they’ve been, erm, pretty isolated the last couple of months on their farm.”

“Which is code for they’ve been so caught up in fucking each other that they didn’t bother to check the date,” Tom interrupted, strolling up to them. He gave each boy a cordial nod.

“I don’t want to think about that,” Sam said. Tom rolled his eyes.

“They’re adults. I don’t like it any more than you do. I’m just here to make sure Dad and Meg don’t die today.”

“Well, if all of us work together--” Sam began. But he was cut off by a loud boom from outside. “Shit. It started.”

“Where’s Dad?” Tom shouted at the same time Dean yelled, “Where’s Mom?”

“Down here!” Meg called, popping her head out of a random door. Sam noticed that she was holding a sharp piece of glass taped to a table leg. The glass was covered in blood. “Nice of you idiots to show up.”

The boys ran to the door and slipped inside. Mary, Azazel, and Kevin were huddled against the wall, a body on the floor in front of them. Meg spat at it.

“One candidate down,” she said.

.

Bobby Singer was having a _great_ day. He hadn’t managed to kill any candidates--yet--but he had killed two members of a PR team, and saved his girlfriend, Raphael, who was another prospective candidate, from certain death. That, and he’d heard there was a space whale on the loose. After the whale was brought down and gutted, he could swoop in and take the bones, which sold for pretty good money. He was pretty sure that Raphael would be one of the last candidates standing, which meant that they would be in line for president and first man. Which was a wonderful thing.

“Inside!” Raphael called, chasing after another candidate. She was holding a spiked baseball bat in one hand and a knife in the other, her long, dark hair flying in the wind. Bobby whooped and followed her into the mansion, chasing their prey. With any luck, they would be able to slaughter the current president’s team, find the object that bound him to the Earth, and destroy it. The biggest rule of the Choosing was that, if a candidate could kill the current president, they could take the seat right then and there.

But only on the day of the Choosing.

He hoped he wouldn’t have to kill Sam or Dean--those boys were like family to him. But Meg, or Tom, or anyone else was fair game.

.

The mansion was full of voices, most of them screaming in pain. Meg paced back and forth in the safe room, listening to Mary argue quietly with her sons. She avoided talking to Tom. Instead, she clutched at the watch round her neck and buzzed quietly. She wasn’t always aware that she was doing it, but most of the time, she was. The buzzing made it easier for her to think, and it usually shut the people around her up.

Reaching into her pocket, Meg took out a crushed handful of Mars lilies and popped a few into her mouth. She chewed the petals, wincing as they burned her tongue, and thought.

“It isn’t safe here,” she said at last. They’d tossed the body of the assassin into the hallway, but that didn’t mean they were safe. Her improvised weapon wouldn’t hold long, and Sam, Dean, and Tom only had their swords. Kevin, being a ghost, had no weapons, save for his ectoplasm, which was sticker than a spider’s web.

Mary and Azazel, of course, had no weapons, having completely forgotten what day it was.

“What even is this room?” Mary asked, glancing around at the chains on the walls. The torture instruments had all been removed earlier in the week by Meg, who hadn’t wanted any potential assassins to get ahold of them.

“It’s a haunted sex dungeon,” Meg said dryly. Which was, technically, true. She used the room for sex sometimes (the chains and whips were fun), and Kevin was in it, which meant that it was, technically, haunted.

Mary gave her a Look. Meg swallowed hard and buzzed in fear. It was a look she remembered her mother giving her when she was a child. A look that meant she was in deep shit.

“Sorry,” she said quickly. “We use it for interrogations. We were headed for the safe room when we got jumped.”

“So, we go to the safe room,” Azazel said.

Dean shook his head. “It’s on the other side of the mansion, down several flights of stairs.”

“There has to be another safe room,” Mary insisted.

“Well, there is,” Tom said. “But it…it’s really small.”

“How small?” Azazel asked.

“It’s a bathroom,” Dean explained. “Like a one person hiding place.”

“Basically the size of a small closet. There’s no way we’d all fit in there without a little contortion.”

Meg sighed heavily. “Well, good thing I’m flexible and Kevin doesn’t actually have a physical presence. Come on.”

.

“Almost got it, boy!” Cain shouted. “I’m gonna get it!”

Dean the second swallowed hard and maneuvered their craft around another asteroid. He’d already puked twice during the roller-coaster ride that was asteroid dodging, but Cain seemed to be having the time of his life. Dean figured that Cain was the kind of person that had gone asteroid dodging for fun as a teenager.

Dean knew that the original Dean had done it. He had some of his memories. But he, personally, was not the kind of person that enjoyed high speed chases anymore. He was too old.

“Line it up, Dean!” Cain called. Dean swallowed hard, did as he was told, and righted the craft. Cain gave a joyous whoop and fired the harpoon. The space whale let out an inhuman wail as the harpoon pierced its thick, white hide, and its whole body arched, flukes curling upward.

Then it took off in earnest.

“Just ride with it!” Cain called. “I’m gonna get it!”

Dean frantically gripped the wheel and tried to steer around the asteroids as the whale dragged he and Cain through the belt. When he looked at the monitor, he saw Can climb down the side of the ship and leap down onto the space whale’s back, his knife drawn.

A few minutes later, the whale slowed, and then stopped. The ship stopped with it, hovering in place.

“I killed it!” Cain called over the radio. “Let’s haul it home!”

Dean the second slumped down in his chair, turned his head, and puked again.

.

“This was a bad idea,” Meg declared. She was _covered_ in ectoplasm because her stupid boss had decided to manifest right in the middle of everything. She was also sandwiched between her new brothers in the most ridiculous position, with her legs wrapped around Sam’s waist and her back pressed against Dean’s front, practically folded double. On any other day, she would’ve appreciated the position. But not when she was in a cramped in a bathroom with a bunch of other people and covered in ectoplasm. Of course, it would’ve been better to lie across their shoulders, or something, but she’d gotten stuck on the way up.

Her brother, Tom, was sandwiched behind Dean, sitting on the sink. Mary and Azazel were on the toilet, Mary seated on Azazel’s lap. The only other space in the small bathroom, the one that Meg _should’ve_ been standing in, was occupied by the newest member of their group.

Apparently, Castiel was new to the city, and had wandered into the mansion thinking he could find somewhere to sleep for the night, and had holed up in the bathroom once the Choosing started, not knowing what was going on. He explained that he was homeless, and looking for a fresh start there. Meg thought he was lucky that they hadn’t killed him and tossed him out. Instead, he was squished into the only other free spot in the bathroom.

And she had a leg cramp.

“I fucking hate my job,” she said.

“I hate your job,” Tom complained. “I hate the Choosing.”

“Only another few hours,” Kevin soothed. He was currently floating above their heads, dripping ectoplasm down on them. Meg buzzed angrily when some landed on her head.

“Redjacket?” the newcomer guessed.

“How’d you know?” Dean asked him. Castiel shrugged.

“I used to raise them back on the farm,” he said. He buzzed in response to Meg’s buzzing.

“In that case, talk to Cain when this is over. You might get a job with him,” Dean suggested. “He needs someone to help with the redjacket hives.”

“Hopefully it’s over soon,” Sam said. “Because I really gotta _go.”_

“If you piss your pants while my legs are around your waist, I will rip it off,” Meg threatened.

Another blob of ectoplasm hit her head.

.

“You did good for your first space whale hunt,” Cain complimented as they exited their ship. The whale gleamed like a great marble statue in the sunlight, but nobody was paying attention to it. Instead, everyone was hacking at each other with improvised weapons.

“Looks like we’re late for the Choosing,” Dean commented. “Think it’ll be over soon?”

Cain shrugged. “Dunno. C’mon, let’s head down to the safe room.”

They managed to dodge the fighting and make it to the safe room. But when they got there, it was empty. Cain frowned and tucked the key back into his shirt.

“Shit,” Dean said softly.

“Shit is right,” Cain growled. “Where else would they go?”

“There’s only one other safe place I know of. If they’re in there, _we_ sure as hell won’t fit. They probably all barely fit,” Dean said.

“We could stand guard near it,” Cain pointed out.

.

Raphael whooped with joy as she took out another candidate who had the same idea she had--find the president and assassinate him. The vitals wristband that she wore beeped, signaling the candidate’s death. When she glanced down, she saw that only five were left alive. Which meant that she had to hurry. When only four candidates were standing, the Choosing would be over, and she would no longer be able to lawfully assassinate Kevin Tran.

Signaling to Bobby, Raphael turned the corner and began to creep down the hallway, her weapon raised. They walked silently, the two of them keeping their ears open for any sort of noise.

Then, from behind an inconspicuous door, came a quiet conversation.

“Kevin, I swear to god, just get back in the stupid watch!”

“Sorry, Meg.”

Raphael grinned. “In here, Bobby.”

Bobby Singer grinned back and reached for the doorknob. Of course, it was locked, but they could take care of that easily enough.

.

“Shit!” Meg whispered. “Sam, Dean, shuffle over and lean against the door!”

“We _are_ leaning against the door!” Sam hissed. “They won’t be able to get it open.”

“You guys are fucking idiots,” Tom said. “It opens out. They destroy that lock and we’ll all tumble and be dead.”

Castiel began to pray. Meg buzzed angrily.

“I can’t believe I’m going to die in the fucking bathroom with you idiots. Mary excluded,” Azazel said.

“Is this how you imagined dying?” Tom asked Dean. Dean shrugged.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Oh, good,” Meg said. “So it wasn’t just me.”

.

Cain turned the corner, saw Raphael and Bobby hammering at the door, and screeched to a stop, grabbing the back of Dean the second’s shirt to stop him, too.

“We can’t take ‘em. We don’t got no weapons,” Cain said. “C’mon. Out through the window and back to the ship.”

“What are we gonna do?” Dean the second asked. Cain smiled.

“You’ll see.”

.

Meg squeezed her eyes shut. She would be dying in a few minutes, and she didn’t want to spend those few minutes staring at a slate gray bathroom wall. Ever since she’d taken this stupid job, she’d always known she would die doing something like this. If the cows didn’t get her, the sandworms would. If they sandworms didn’t get her, the redjackets would. If none of those happened, well, she figured that Space God or the Universe or whatever else would just drop a space whale on her head and be done with it.

But the job had paid well, and she’d liked Kevin, ghost or no, and she’d gotten to take regular naps and live in the beautiful presidential mansion. She’d gone far for a girl that had grown up on a water farm, so, it wasn’t that bad.

But, damn it, she did not want to die in the same room as all these other people. And not with some random homeless dude that had randomly shown up out of nowhere.

A crash sounded from outside, shaking the building. Plaster and dust rained down on their heads and shouts came from the hallway. Everyone in the room jumped in surprise.

Sam Winchester, evidentially more surprised than any of them and unable to hold it through the shock, pissed himself.

Meg took a deep breath as she felt the warmth spread over her pants where their bodies were pressed together.

“I hate all of you,” she said.

.

“I don’t like this!” Dean the second screamed as he watched Cain once again climb down onto the space whale. Cain whooped and hollered, clearly having the time of his life, and ignored him. Dean the second swallowed hard, angled the ship, and began to swing the whale round and round.

They were going to drop a fucking space whale on the presidential mansion, because Cain, clearly, was _insane._

“One more spin, boy!” Cain called. “Then jump!”

Dean the second did the final spin, prayed, hit the release mechanism, and jumped. As predicted, the space whale began hurtling toward the earth. He clung to Cain’s back, shouting the whole way down as the older man howled with joy, his head tipped back.

The whale exploded through the roof, scattering bricks and cement and wood, hitting the ground with a great thump that had Dean the second’s teeth rattling in his skull.

But Cain, clearly used to this kind of misadventure, hopped off the whale, raised his harpoon, and aimed it at the shocked woman standing next to the bathroom door. Dean the second tumbled off after him, the room spinning, and threw himself at the man.

The woman dodged Cain’s harpoon and took the point in the arm instead of the neck. She screeched and threw a punch that collided with the side of Cain’s head.

“Bobby?” Dean gasped when he saw who he’d tackled.

“Which Dean are you?” Bobby asked.

“Clone.”

“Oh.”

They both looked over to where Raphael and Cain were struggling, neither one of them quite willing to move, when the wristband around Raphael’s uninjured arm beeped and a gong sounded through the mansion.

“It’s over,” Cain said. He stood up and dropped the harpoon. “Sorry about that.”

Raphael glared at him, stood, and dusted off her sensible pantsuit. “Well, I’m still in line for the running, anyway. Bobby?”

“I’ll get you to the doctor. See you at the election day, fellas,” he said. With that, Bobby scooped his girlfriend up and carried her out of the mansion. Dean the second sighed.

“Dean! You can come out now!” he called to the closed bathroom door.

“Stand back!” Tom called. Cain and Dean the second glanced at each other and took a step back from the door.

There was a few muffled banging noises, a few muffled curses, and finally, a really loud bang, and the door flew open and a slew of bodies tumbled out, all of them piling on top of each other. Kevin floated above it all, dripping ectoplasm onto the carpet.

Meg Masters stood up, trembling and buzzing angrily. She was covered in ectoplasm and pee and sweat and looked like she was ready to kill someone. Then she saw the space whale, turned her head to the sky, and screamed.

“Fuck you!” she screeched.

Dean the second ran to Dean the first and pulled him into an embrace, sloppily kissing him. Sam and Cain did the same, the two of them actually falling over and bouncing off the alabaster body of the space whale. Castiel made a nose of shock.

“Well, at least we all made it out alive,” Kevin said cheerfully. “But we’ll have to get this space whale butchered before it starts to stink. And get a rescue ship to get Cain’s ship. Why don’t you guys start the butchering?”

Meg sighed heavily. Cain and Sam refused to stop making out on the carpet.

“I’ll go get the saws,” she said.

In the end, the space whale got butchered, the meat and oil harvested, and the death toll for the Choosing was lower than it had been in a century. Sam and Dean eventually got over Mary’s marriage, but were never quite able to call Meg or Tom family. Tom eventually gave up his pining and settled down with a farmhand. Castiel got a job watching the bees with Cain, who married Sam and built a small cabin on the presidential grounds. Mary and Azazel went back to the water farm and lived the rest of their days in peace.

And Meg?

Meg took a very long, very well deserved nap. And kept doing that.

 


End file.
